SEATTLE—Revealing that the victims’ deaths had come, like, completely out of nowhere, authorities confirmed Monday that seven total randos had been found dead. “All seven were discovered last night within a few miles of each other, leading investigators to just go, um, what?” said Police Chief Ware O’Malley, telling reporters that detectives had been unable to identify those killed but believed they had likely spent their last moments hanging out being big weirdos. “As of this time, we are still figuring out what their whole deal was, but we can definitively state that the circumstances surrounding their demise were hella sketchy. I mean, hello, who just dies out in the woods like that?” At press time, the case had reportedly become super awkward after the cause of death in all seven cases was ruled to be blunt force trauma to the skull.
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