LANCASTER, PA—Still unable to draw any solid conclusions from the unpredictable reactions she has experienced over her lifetime, local 32-year-old Michelle Waldman acknowledged Monday that she was even now not entirely sure where her body stands with lactose. “I don’t think I can do milk—definitely not whole milk—but yogurt seems to be fine,” said Waldman, adding that despite her three decades of observing the way her stomach handles cheese, she could only conclusively determine that certain soft cheeses made her feel bloated. “Ice cream is mostly okay, though sometimes it gives me cramps. That may just be because I ate too much, though, and not necessarily because of the lactose. I guess it could be both, right?” Waldman later added that while she had a vague understanding of her response to lactose, she had not even begun to untangle her body’s position on gluten.

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