Bettendorf, IA—Preparing to humiliate both his mother and the employee in one fell swoop, local 3-year-old Alex Delaney confirmed Tuesday that he was going to hold in the fact that the grocery store cashier is fat until he reaches the checkout. “Right now, I’m just thinking about the fact that the man is overweight, but once our cart reaches the register, I’m going to blurt out to everyone within earshot that he’s fat,” said the toddler, adding that he’s still deciding between emphatically stating “You’re fat” or quizzically asking “Mommy, why is that man fat?” “First, I’m going to lull him into a false sense of security by smiling at him and then giggling when he smiles back. Then when he trusts me—bam—I’m gonna let loose my discovery that he’s the fattest man I’ve ever seen. It’s pretty ingenious, really. This is just like the time I told grandma she’s gonna die soon because she’s so old.” At press time, Delaney outlined plans to squeeze his penis for the entirety of his preschool’s concert program.
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