TULSA, OK—Describing the experience as “no fucking picnic,” an as-yet-unnamed newborn protruding halfway out of his mother’s vagina confirmed Thursday that the 14-hour labor experience had not exactly been a cakewalk for him, either. “Just so we’re clear, this sucks for me, too. I would love to get someone to wipe the mucus out of my eyes. Or maybe some ice chips?” said the 7-pound, 4-ounce infant, who felt his cries for assistance had gone completely unnoticed by the nearby team of doctors working to improve conditions for his mother while he was jammed inside a hot, cramped birth canal all goddamn day. “If anything, this whole labor thing is way worse for me, because at least she gets to be pumped full of drugs and she isn’t dangling face-first out of her mother’s cervix. Let’s just say, I can think of better ways to spend my day that don’t include having the shape of my head changed by someone’s reproductive tract. Unbelievable.” At press time, the baby had rolled its newly opened eyes in disbelief for the first time ever upon overhearing his father tell his basically unconscious mother that she was doing “an amazing job.”

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