KENNER, LA—Sharing the key factor that had the greatest impact on his durability, 104-year-old Wallace Skinner revealed Monday that the secret to long life was being cursed by a witch to eternally wander the Earth. “I do the crossword every morning, I have a glass of scotch with dinner every night, and in 1937, an enchantress damned me with wretched immortality,” said Skinner, who credited his longevity to a chance encounter 81 years ago when he scolded and pushed an old beggar woman out of his way, only for her to reveal herself as a beautiful sorceress and punish his cruelty by casting a spell that allows him to age as normal but never die. “I do try to eat healthy, but most food turns to ash the instant it crosses my lips. I also walk a lot, but that’s mostly to escape the ever-present torment of seeing generations of loved ones pass on to the next life while I’m trapped here in perpetuity.” The cursed centenarian added that he has no regrets, but that if he could do it all over again, he probably would have been nicer to that witch.

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