CHICAGO—Saying that he refused to become just another statistic, local man Frank Campbell disclosed Thursday that he keeps a baseball bat within easy reach of his bed in case any Major League pitchers tried to break in. “It’s all about peace of mind—I’d rather have it and never use it than not have it and get caught…

NAPERVILLE, IL—In what is being heralded as a scientific breakthrough on par with Copernicus’ heliocentrism or Einstein’s theory of relativity, sources confirmed Thursday that local 13-year-old Shane O’Donnell invented masturbation. O’Donnell’s study of the effects of pillow-humping on the brain’s pleasure center…

SAN DIEGO—Mortified at his lack of familiarity with the seemingly mundane utensil, local diner Thad Jenkins succumbed to paralyzing self-consciousness Wednesday upon realizing that he was the only patron of Japanese restaurant Azuki Sushi who was unclear on the proper use of his water glass. “I kept sneaking little…

DENVER—Confessing that the rich sound of the stabbing victim’s Yorkshire-bred voice made her “go positively weak,” Genevieve Clare, 31, confirmed Wednesday that she could listen to the dying British man in the street scream for help all day long. “I couldn’t begin to tell you what it is about that accent, but my heart…

NEW YORK—Emphasizing the company’s commitment to providing a sustainable work–life balance, Optech CEO Mark Billings told reporters Tuesday that he encourages employees to take short mental breakdowns for every hour of work. “Every 60 minutes, we want our staff to feel free to take a walk around the block for a quick…

SUMTER, SC—Saying that he clearly learned all the wrong lessons from the classic animated programs, several people witnessing their coworker Aaron Rowe wearing a Cobra Command T-shirt Tuesday confirmed that he missed the whole point of G.I. Joe. “Dude, that’s not what the show’s about at all. It’s like he didn’t pay…

CHICAGO—Saying that the sign out front offered no clear evidence as to the nature of the business, onlookers were reportedly unable to determine Tuesday whether a storefront bearing the name “Casa Spazio” belonged to an establishment that sold leather sofas or pizza. “It’s got a beautiful, ornate sign and big glass…

BROOMALL, PA—Confusing several immediate members of the family of Sophia Lindbergh with her flamboyant sorrow, grieving relatives confirmed Tuesday that a random uncle’s wife was “sure crying a bunch” throughout their grandma’s funeral. “Wow, that lady’s really losing it there. Grandpa isn’t even crying that much,”…

AUSTIN, TX—As he cast about in vain for potential topics of conversation, local bridegroom Adam Hartwell reportedly panicked Monday, having completely run out of things to talk about five minutes into his marriage. “After the ceremony, I talked about some of our mutual friends and mentioned a couple details from my…

COLUMBIA, SC—Observing that southbound motorists should begin to come across signs just after passing the rest area, sources reported Wednesday that there is an adult superstore off exit 16. “Yeah, so what you do is, you just hang a left at the end of that off-ramp and it’s pretty much across from the McDonald’s and…

WAUKESHA, WI—Noting that the unexpected purchase was completely without precedent or preamble, family sources confirmed Tuesday that mother Ellen Fogarty, 54, had evidently just spent $83.50 on an owl necklace from a stall at the Waukesha art fair. “Supposedly, it’s handcrafted, but still, Mom barely ever even wears…

NEW MILTON, WV—Asking whether possession of an exceptional sexual organ he was forbidden to use was perhaps a test from the Lord, local Roman Catholic priest Russell Calhoun reportedly lamented Tuesday the fact that God cursed him with an incredible penis. “Why, oh, why would the Lord demand chastity of a man upon…

NORTH PLATTE, NE—Cautious of ruining his session by stumbling upon sexual activity ranging from possibly disturbing to actually illegal, local man Stephen Baretta decided Tuesday that a pornographic video featuring an unfamiliar acronym in its title was ultimately too much of a risk to click on. “I’ve never seen XTPF…

HINSDALE, IL—Moments after wrestling the Switch controller from Dylan Wheeler’s hands and pushing the child towards the door of the intensive care unit, Wheeler’s parents mollified the 9-year-old Monday by promising him that he could go right back to playing video games once he had given his dying grandfather one last…