Lunch Place Uses Way Too Much Mayo In Fruit Salad
Grocery Store Bar Actually Has Great Little Happy Hour, Reports Man With A Serious Problem
CHICAGO—Elated with his discovery of an establishment that fits seamlessly into both his daily routine and his self-destructive lifestyle, local grocery shopper Alan Cordova, who has a serious and debilitating problem, announced Monday that the bar at his local grocery store actually has a great little happy hour.…
Server Unbelievably Touched To Be Asked Own Opinion On Whether Enchiladas Or Burger Better Choice
NOVI, MI—Vowing to give such an important request the respect it deserves, local Chili’s server Melissa Cortez told reporters Friday that she was unbelievably touched to be asked by a customer for her opinion on whether the enchiladas or burger was a better choice. “Oh, wow, for a lowly waiter like me to be asked by a…
Portrait Next To Coffin Most Likely The Deceased
EAST STROUDSBURG, PA—Intuiting that the close placement of the two objects was most likely not coincidental, funeral attendee Bryan Abboud made the assumption Friday that the man depicted in a portrait next to the coffin was more than likely the deceased. “Unless I’m missing something here, that’s got to be the dead…
Girlfriend Slowly Becoming Radicalized By New Skin-Care Blog
SPRINGVILLE, UT—Concerned by the disturbing changes in her behavior since she discovered the site earlier this year, local man Derek Wilkinson told reporters Friday he worries his girlfriend, Katie Spencer, has started to become radicalized by a skin-care blog.
Report: Someone Robbed That KFC Again
MARSHFIELD, MO—In what the community believes to be something like the fifth such incident since the location’s grand opening in 2011, south side Marshfield sources reported Thursday that someone has robbed that one KFC yet again. “Yeah, that place is always getting robbed. I wouldn’t go in there if I were you—place…
Methadone Clinic Must Be Having Some Sort Of Big Party
NEW YORK—Calling the atmosphere on the sidewalk across the street “positively electric,” sources confirmed Thursday that the local methadone clinic must be having some sort of big party. “Man, it’s only 3 p.m. and there’s already a line around the block,” said Bruce Riley, 32, adding that the party must have been…
Man Guessing He’s Stared At Giant Sequoia Long Enough To Appreciate It
RED FIR, CA—Spending what seemed like the correct amount of time soaking in the beauty of the massive tree, local man Matt Tedesco assumed Wednesday that he probably stared at a giant sequoia long enough to appreciate it. “I mean, it’s definitely really big, and I went and stood under it, so I think I get how majestic…
Surgeon Pretty Bummed About Losing Patient, But It Not Like They Were Good Friends Or Anything
BOSTON—Admitting he only knew the guy for “a couple weeks, tops,” local cardiac surgeon Dr. David Griffiths told reporters he was sorta bummed about losing his patient Brian Fields, but it’s not as if they were close or anything. “You never want to lose a patient on the operating table, but it’s not like I’m going to…
Caterpillar In Pupal Stage For Past 3 Months Going To Be Pissed If It Turns Out To Be Moth
CORVALLIS, OR—Seething with anger at the mere prospect of such an outcome, a local caterpillar, who has spent the past three months in its pupal stage, acknowledged Tuesday that it would be extremely pissed off if, upon maturation, it turned out to be a moth. “I swear to fucking God, if I’ve spent 90 days cooped up in…
Area Man Would Have Done Things Differently If He Were Killer In Movie
LOWER MERION, PA—Calling the murderous character’s methods and practices into question, movie viewer Richard Anthony said Tuesday that, were he in fact the killer portrayed in the home invasion film You’re Next, he would have conducted himself in a distinctly different fashion. “This makes absolutely zero sense—why…
Mother Annoyed Son Playing Video Games On Beautiful Day When He Could Go Outside To Kill People
COLUMBUS, OH—Wishing her child would channel his enthusiasm for virtual reality into real, in-the-flesh human interaction, Annabelle Rund expressed her annoyance Monday that her son Andrew, 14, insisted on spending a beautiful day playing violent video games when he could be outside killing people instead. “The sun is…
‘Join Email List’ Box Pre-Checked Like Sneaky, Conniving Fucker It Is
NAPERVILLE, IL—Attempting to hide in plain sight amid a wall of unrelated offers and legal qualifiers, the “Join Email List” box in an automatically generated response email had pre-checked itself like the sneaky, conniving corporate fucker that it is, outbox sources confirmed Monday. “Well, well, well, would you look…
Signs Make Upcoming Section Of Road Sound Pretty Badass
DUBOIS, WY—Noting the sheer volume and severity of the posted warnings, sources confirmed Monday that signs along U.S. Highway 26 made the upcoming section of road sound pretty badass. “Holy shit, looks like we’re in for sharp curves, switchbacks, and falling rocks all within the next five miles,” said Dan McDonnell,…
Courageous Heterosexual Has Never Donated Blood To Red Cross In Solidarity With Gay Men
OMAHA, NE—In support of all those whose bodily fluids have been discriminated against, courageous heterosexual Calvin Woodruff revealed Friday that in order to stand in solidarity with gay men, he has never donated blood to the Red Cross. “I haven’t given an ounce of O-positive in 15 years, and I won’t start until the…
