Dog Who Successfully Detected Cancer In Owner Put Down For Practicing Medicine Without A License

PHOENIX—In what authorities hope serves as a warning to any domesticated animal who places medical patients at risk, Kuma, 3, a German shepherd who successfully detected cancer in his owner, was put down Thursday for practicing medicine without a license. “Although in this particular case the animal’s actions did save…

Woman Finds It Worrying That All Of New Boyfriend’s Previous Relationships Ended In Breakups

NEW YORK—Admitting that she had never suspected anything dubious until recently hearing the details of her significant other’s past, local woman Debra Haas told reporters Thursday that she found it worrying that all of her new boyfriend’s previous relationships ended in breakups. “I could see if only one or two had…

Pervert On Subway Won’t Stop Staring At Masturbator

NEW YORK—Questioning what had become of common decency, passengers aboard a Brooklyn-bound F train expressed feelings of disgust Tuesday in regard to a pervert who wouldn’t stop staring at the masturbator in their subway car. “My God, this sicko’s not even making any attempt to hide it—he’s just openly leering at that…

Woman Preemptively Posts A Few Good Photos Of Herself Online Just In Case She Ever Dies In Shooting

YUMA, AZ—Uploading almost a gigabyte of image files to her various social media accounts, nursing assistant Katherine Rohrbach, 26, took the precaution of posting several of her favorite photos of herself online Tuesday just in case she dies in a mass shooting. “Should I ever be cut down by a deranged gunman while…

Guest Roster Assembled For Surprise Birthday Reveals Minimal Understanding Of Girlfriend’s Social Circle

ST. PAUL, MN—Describing the majority of attendees as “acquaintances at best,” birthday celebrant Megan Randall stated publicly Tuesday that a surprise birthday party organized by her boyfriend, Kevin Collins, displayed a less-than-minimal familiarity with her social circle. “I frankly haven’t spoken to some of these…

Divorced Parents A Little Hurt Child’s Christmas List Doesn’t Include Heartbreaking Wish For Them To Get Back Together

DAYTON, OH—Expressing disappointment at the evident lack of concern for their failed relationship, divorced parents Tim Foster and Eva Ferguson admitted Thursday to being “a little hurt” that the recently completed Christmas list submitted by their daughter Kayla, 8, included no heartfelt but ultimately unrealistic…

Chemistry Teacher Encouraging Students To Fuck Around With Bunsen Burners In Last-Ditch Effort To Prove Science Is Cool

COLUMBUS, OH—In what was interpreted as a final attempt to foster scientific curiosity in high school juniors, James A. Garfield Memorial High School chemistry teacher Gary Holbrook encouraged his students Monday to fuck around with Bunsen burners in a last-ditch effort to prove that science is cool. “As you can see…

Man Parallel Parking Tries To Leave Enough Room Between Cars To Infuriate Other Drivers Into Just Giving Up

SANTA MONICA, CA—Emphasizing that his thoughts were always and only for his fellow motorists, local parallel parker Ed Billings admitted Monday that he strives to leave just enough room between the cars ahead of or behind his own so that other drivers are eventually infuriated into simply giving up after a few…

Wistful Woman Wonders If This Could Be The One She’ll Sleep With For Few Weeks Before Losing Interest

CHICAGO—Expressing optimism and excitement for what her romantic future might hold, local woman Fiona Dixon reportedly wondered Monday if the man she just went on a date with might finally be the one she’ll sleep with for a few weeks before losing interest. “I know we just met, but I’m feeling such a strong connection…

Recruiter Saw Your Background In Computer Science And Thought Maybe You’d Be Interested In Working Part-Time At A Kohl’s In Sioux City

ROCKLAND, ME—Noting your undergraduate minor in data systems, a qualification which he claims makes you uniquely suited for the job, a corporate recruiter happened to notice your background in computer science and thought you might be interested in working part-time at a Kohl’s department store in Sioux City, IA,…

Gimp Tied To Pole On Curb Outside Coffee Shop While Owner Inside

CHICAGO—Concerned about the welfare of the “cold and kind of lonely-looking” submissive chained to a street sign outside of a coffee shop, sympathetic passersby discussed the ethics Friday of leaving one’s gimp tied to a pole while one buys a latte. “It’s really cold out here, especially with this wind, and the poor…

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