GRANDVIEW, TX—Sprinting onto the field with a thundering roar of “Pardon us, please,” the scrupulously polite Grandview Knights high school football team ran around a hand-drawn break-away banner Friday rather than bursting through it, recognizing that it must have taken hours of hard work to make. “So much talent and…

NEW HAVEN, CT—Immediately dismissing the high school senior’s chances of acceptance after reviewing his record, Yale admissions officers reportedly decided Friday that an applicant who had actually faced punishment for committing sexual assault was clearly not Yale material. “We have a very high standard here at Yale,…

GALESBURG, IL—Baffled by the unusual pace of their classmate’s social involvement, residents at a Knox College dormitory observed Friday that fellow student Andrew Witte had a friend from home visiting way too soon. “Well, okay. We’ve only been here a couple weeks, and Drew already has a high school buddy crashing in…

UNION, KY—His eyes rolling back as the blinding light emanating from the display filled the room, local man Reeves Halko, his ragged voice barely audible over the deafening sound of cards shuffling faster and faster, confirmed Friday that he never asked for the overwhelming sensory assault of its victory animation.…

ALBANY, NY—Shaken to his core by the realization that he had independently shared every significant detail of his fellow classmate’s vacation, fourth-grader Bryan Gardener was sent into a profound panic Thursday as it dawned on him that student Jimmy Perez, who gave his presentation immediately before Gardener,…

KALAMAZOO, MI—Failing to complete the simple task despite his ostensibly robust academic background, onlooking students at Kalamazoo College reported Wednesday that their supposedly educated literature professor Gene Cabella demonstrated no clue as to how to rid their lecture hall of a bird that had flown in through…

SACRAMENTO, CA—After learning that the object of his desire was interested in other females, local man Dave Callan told reporters Wednesday that he had puzzled over whether she’s the type of lesbian who only dates other women or the kind that dates men, too. “Amy’s a lesbian—I know—but we really vibed the other night,…

SKOKIE, IL—Wistfully imagining a future she hopes is not too far away, area woman Margaret Bridgemeyer told reporters Tuesday she yearns for the day when the first female president of the United States will have a tell-all book written about her that contains explicit descriptions of her repulsive vagina. “I have to…

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—Carefully establishing a reminder lest they lose themselves in a moment of exuberance, fraternity brothers at the University of Virgina’s Sigma Chi chapter made a note Tuesday not to kill a member of their new pledge class during the intense hazing process, as his family happens to own a commodious…

KILLEEN, TX—In a singular and anomalous break in his lifelong absence from the wandering thoughts of humanity at large, systems analyst Steven Laposata, 34, was momentarily fantasized about for a period of roughly 15 seconds late Monday. Daydream sources confirmed that Laposata’s coworker and remote acquaintance…

PHILADELPHIA—Emphasizing that “a lousy homemade coupon for free hugs dashed off at the last minute won’t cut it any longer,” mother of three Andrea Wolner told reporters Friday that her children were now officially old enough to pony up for a meaningful birthday gift. “Andrew, Gabe, and Jessica have jobs at this…

DUBUQUE, IA—Noting his decades of teaching experience and keen eye for talent, East Dubuque High School drama teacher David Vargo already has a pretty good idea who he’ll pick to be this fall’s girlfriend. “There were so many strong contenders this year, so it took me a while to narrow it down, but at the end of the…

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Calling the ordeal both “hilarious” and “classic Trevor,” representatives from Florida State’s Sigma Chi fraternity confirmed Friday that its brothers had drawn all over a pledge who passed away at a party. “Dude, Trev totally deserved to get fucked with because he passed away, like, super early last…

HOLDEN, MO—Having attempted numerous variations of color combinations and application techniques over the last two decades with only poor results to show for the effort, local woman Jessica Greenwald told reporters Thursday that she’s starting to worry that she just has the type of face where makeup looks completely…

MONROE, WA—His eyes rolling in his head and his mane tossing as he contemplated the approach of the hulking figure in line at his paddock, Camp Hamilton resident Shetland pony Murph experienced an equine anxiety attack Thursday while waiting for his trainer to flag an unusually large child as being too big for a ride.…

HYANNIS, MA—Officially transferring authority for the duration of his planned absence, area man Will Lewis deputized his friend to order him another beer while he went to the restroom, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Hey, grab me another drink if the bartender comes back around,” said Lewis during a brief ceremony in…

TUCSON, AZ—While discussing the long-sought secrets of luminous, blemish-free skin, dermatologist Dr. Risa Helene strongly recommended Wednesday that patients commit to a routine of not caring so much what other people think. “The best treatment out there—far healthier than vitamin-rich creams or clinically tested…

DHAKA, BANGLADESH—Attempting to shake her thoughts regarding the horrific possibilities of the textile manufacturing industry, sweatshop worker Shanta Banek told reporters Wednesday that she doesn’t even want to know the working conditions of the facility where her company sources the fabric for their garments. “I…