APPLETON, WI—Expressing disbelief at her romantic partner’s dramatic behavioral shift, local woman Emily Kittleson, 30, told reporters Friday that she had not expected her boyfriend’s attempts to recognize and curtail toxic masculinity would eventually turn him into a “weepy little pansy.” “Christ, I know the dope is…

PHILADELPHIA—Calling Euphornica the only model he trusts with his raw-dogging needs, Pleasure Cove employee Jason Kempner told customers Rick Cantor and Jennifer Wilson Thursday that this, here, is the fuck harness he has at home. “This bad boy is the best one we’ve got. Sure, it costs a little more than the Commando,…

ROXBOROUGH, PA—Wondering what kind of honor a company bestows upon a part-time clerical employee, the family of local woman Maureen Tavlin, 51, reported Wednesday there was simply no way of knowing whether the vague award their mother received at work was a big deal or what, exactly. “She got this little plate that…

OMAHA, NE—Deeming her entire apartment an “accident waiting to happen,” local woman Jeanine Kratz, 29, told reporters Wednesday that she was rushing to hide any fragile objects and cover up sharp corners on tables before her boyfriend came over. “I really have to clean this place up as much as possible, because Chuck…

BOULDER, CO—Complaining about the 25-year-old’s superficial choice deviating from society’s standard relationship terminology, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that pretentious woman Louisa Owens chose to continually refer to her slam piece as her “partner.” “Oh, please—Jack’s your ‘partner’ now? Give me a break. Stop…

ROSEBURG, OR—Noting the wide variety of nonperishable items lining the shelves, furloughed government employee Sheena Enders, 38, confirmed Wednesday she was using some of the time off from her job with the U.S. Census Bureau to visit the local food pantry she had heard so much about. “I’ve driven past this place…

TULSA, OK—Dreading the day new technologies would emerge to render his craft obsolete, Vince Callahan, an autoworker crouched inside a robotic welding arm, told reporters Tuesday that he was terrified a robot would eventually take his job. “This is all I know how to do. If they ever make a robot that can do this job,…

CHICAGO—Stressing that the furniture would be perfect for hosting guests, your mom wanted to know Tuesday whether you could use Grandma’s antique, 12-person dining room table in your studio apartment. “If you want it, we can haul it over the next time I have a doctor’s appointment in the city,” your mother said,…

CHICAGO—Staring wide-eyed at the table full of unopened presents being largely ignored by guests, local man Rick Joseph reportedly watched helplessly Friday as the White Elephant exchange completely devolved into friends just chatting and having a nice time. “Christ, it should have been my turn to pick a gift over an…

CHICAGO—Detailing the extensive backstories of the wall hangings and how he came to acquire them, local man Richard Minhas was methodically explaining Thursday the origin of every poster hanging in his apartment. “This one over here is a print of a Japanese woodblock I got from the Philadelphia Museum of Art, and then…

BALTIMORE—Sighing in exasperation and repeatedly checking the clock as he completed a number of menial tasks, area man Alan Stover confirmed Wednesday he had spent a long day at work waiting until he could finally go home and be lonely. “It’s so annoying having to be here in the office doing all this tedious paperwork…

SAINT PAUL, MN—Saying that he had “a really good feeling about today,” excited firefighter Pat Morales, 37, took the first opportunity he had on his Wednesday shift to check his fire station’s drop-off bin for any unwanted babies that may have come in while the crew was away. “Every time I come to work, I try to be…

SPOKANE, WA—Declaring his willingness to put the whole phase of his life behind him once and for all, 28-year-old man Neil Donovan confirmed Tuesday that he had finally found it in himself to forgive himself for a terrible mistake he made two seconds ago. “This has been an albatross around my neck for what sometimes…

GENEVA, IL—Admitting that he thought he would have moved on by now, 28-year-old marketing analyst Garrett Moore reportedly grew wistful and teary-eyed Monday while revealing that everything still reminded him of Her. “Even the breeze in the park reminds of the cool rush of air conditioning I felt in the theater that…