HARTFORD, CT—Acknowledging that their second-grader had reached “that uncomfortable stage” far earlier than most of his peers, the parents of 8-year-old Kyle Fiedler confirmed Friday that he was at that awkward age where no one cares what he thinks and he’s constantly in the way. “Kyle’s just going through that phase…

GLASGOW, KY—Declaring that enough time has passed for everyone to get on with their lives, father of two Albert Wrinn told reporters Thursday that he was ready to forgive crossover-country trio the Dixie Chicks for remarks critical of former President George W. Bush that were made on the eve of the Iraq invasion.…

LANARK, IL—Adamant that there would be no unplanned pit stops until her family had reached its destination, local mom Mary Curran reportedly made sure that each of her teenage sons had masturbated to completion Thursday before a long car ride to their grandparents’ house. “It’s going to be three hours—maybe more with…

NAMPA, ID—Overcome by a sense of shame and betrayal upon realizing his life has been based on a lie, Allen Shearer told reporters Tuesday that he might never trust again upon realizing that his treasured line drawing of a duck has actually been a rabbit all along. “My duck! No! What happened? How could I not see? How…

DENVER, CO—Insisting the turmoil didn’t need to stop just because the relationship had ended, local man Alex Ware was reportedly hopeful Monday that he and his ex-girlfriend could still be terrible, incompatible friends. “I understand that we’re a bad match romantically, but after everything we’ve been through, I…

MOLINE, IL—Mystified by the lack of detail and speculating on the possible reasons for the same, local woman Jennifer Wallach was forced to do some detective work Monday when the obituary for a recently deceased high school classmate omitted the cause of his death. “Why would they just leave out how he died like…

CAMILLA, GA—Remaining perfectly motionless despite its mounting terror, Zinnia peruviana FL77542PM4 found itself on the verge of panic Monday after noticing a honeybee had landed on one of its petals. “Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck me. Okay, deep breaths. Maybe it just wants to rest for a second and then it’ll fly away,” said…

BOSTON—Hoping to minimize his downtime on set between contractions, expectant father Dan Hartfield spent a few hours Friday filming B-roll of his wife’s vagina while waiting for the baby to crown. “Perfect, this is looking fantastic. Honey, could you scoot down a smidge so I can get better light?” said Hartfield,…

COLUMBUS, OH—Contemplating her romantic future while staring deep into the eyes of her dining companion, area woman Emily Hopkins reportedly spent the duration of her date Friday wondering if this would be the one she’ll mace. “Call me silly, but like any woman on a first date, I can’t help wondering if he might be…

LOS ANGELES—Having heard the details so many times he could practically recite them by heart, Reggie Hall, Marion “Suge” Knight’s cellmate at the Los Angeles County Men’s Central Jail, told reporters Thursday he was tired of the hip-hop mogul’s incessant stories about long-forgotten ’90s-era beefs. “I’ll admit it was…

SEATTLE, WA—Saying they had no respect for the luminaries who had come before them and helped pave the bloody way, serial killer Gerald Pinkney expressed his annoyance Wednesday with young murderers who held no appreciation for innovative child rapist and cannibal Albert Fish. “Man, these millennials think they…

ATLANTA—Frustrated that the video froze right as the chef started stirring in the poblano peppers, local mom Debbie Swanson reportedly had to stop masturbating Wednesday while she tried to get a Bobby Flay southwestern eggs demo to stop buffering. “Oh fuck, oh fuck, I’m so close! C’mon, just load already!” said…