MEQUON, WI—Taken aback by their mother’s high-maintenance wardrobe, household sources confirmed Thursday that none of Bianca Dern’s clothes can be simply placed in a standard washing machine for cleaning. “Mom won’t even let me touch any of her laundry. I’ve tried to help out, but everything needs to be washed…

ATHENS, OH—Confessing that he was completely blindsided by the request, parent Erik Schaff said Wednesday that his son Cody, 8, needed a full-body costume and 30 individually wrapped treats by tomorrow morning for some sort of school celebration. “Cody just handed me a note saying that the third grade is holding an…

WASHINGTON—Realizing that he spent years fighting for the life of what turns out to be a “little fucking gremlin,” anti-abortion activist Logan Brecken, 24, had a change of heart Tuesday after seeing detailed photographs of a human fetus for the first time. “Oh, my God! I can’t believe I used to stand outside Planned…

CRANSTON, RI—Describing the utter lack of ambition as “such a shame,” sources confirmed Monday that local 27-year-old Andrew Maslia has been wasting his life playing video games when there’s a whole world of other screens out there. “It’s really sad to see a guy like that spending eight hours a day holed up with his…

YOSEMITE VILLAGE, CA—Confusing her friends and colleagues as to what could possibly drive her to undertake such an expedition, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring explorer Jillian Greene’s solo hike through Yosemite National Park has evidently nothing to do with soul-searching, an inner journey, or any other form…

CATASAUQUA, PA—Positively brimming with joy after welcoming the infant into their home, first-time grandparents Edward and Colleen Harris told reporters Friday they were overwhelmed with emotion now that they finally understood what it meant to love a child. “I can’t even begin to put my happiness into words because…

MORRISTOWN, NJ—Complaining that he is never able to relax and just be himself, local dog Crackers reported Thursday that he feels as though he always has to be “on” when he’s around the family to whom he belongs. “It’s like I always have to put on this show, whether it’s chasing a squeaky toy or licking someone’s…

MILTON, WI—Doing his best to cast the negative, intrusive, and ultimately accurate thoughts from his mind, local piece of shit Aaron Keliher, whom everyone fucking despises, reportedly assured himself Thursday that it’s all in his head. “Sometimes, when I’m getting really down on myself, I start to think people must…

ANNANDALE, VA—Saying it was just “common courtesy” to sanitize them for whoever exercised next, local man Nick Dukas told reporters Thursday that he always makes sure to wipe down his personal trainer after working out. “I sweat all over, so it would be pretty rude of me not to at least clean the fitness instructor up…

LOCK HAVEN, PA—Calling him the most promising recruit he’s seen in a decade of coaching, tennis instructor Thomas Petrov confirmed Thursday that he sees real potential in his student Aiden McDavid’s family income. “From his expensive Babolat racket to the brand-new Nikes, I can tell this kid’s parents have everything…

LIVONIA, MI—Declaring that he couldn’t wait to see his wife’s eyes light up once she heard the news, local husband Kevin McCoy, 32, reportedly spent $238.76 Wednesday to buy his wife tickets to see a singer she wants to fuck. “Phoebe is just crazy about [the idea of being throroughly and repeatedly boned by] John…

MANAUS, BRAZIL—Paralyzed by the infinite possibilities involved in moving from his branch, a Menelaus blue morpho butterfly admitted Tuesday that he was uncomfortably aware of the potential to irrevocably damage our timeline with a single misplaced beat of his wings. “I’d really like to flit over to the fern, but the…

LOUISVILLE, KY—Smoothing down the garment before carefully placing it back on the rack, local woman Alicia McNaughton chose to pass up on the dress Monday that would have reportedly altered the course of her life forever. “Maybe this one just isn’t for me,” said McNaughton, abandoning forever the elegantly cut dress,…

NEWPORT, RI—Regretting that he never got a chance to sample even a single imperial stout during his years abusing alcohol, recovering alcoholic Scott Rimer expressed bitterness Monday that he had the misfortune to reach the lowest point of his life before the craft beer boom. “Goddammit. I can’t believe I hopelessly…